Adventures in Scumland

I think the craziest thing about New York is the courtesy of the homeless. Only here do you see a homeless man pleasantly asleep on a bench alongside a neatly cleaned up woman reading a Jack Dawson book. No one thinks twice about it because the culture is so saturated with the problem…it’s just not thought of as strange or out of the norm to be chillin with a bum.

I think it’s the most intriguing, weird, unnatural thing I’ve ever seen.

One night my roommates and I’s world came face to face with that of a beggar. Unfortunately it wasn’t because we were giving change or trying to help…no we were getting hit on.

The life of an attractive female. Humph.

Anyway…we were sitting on the train minding our own business. It’s about 2:30 in the morning…an appropriate time to be out no less. The thought of a homeless man trying to hit on us doesn’t come to mind of course. Well lo and behold a dirty old drunk man comes and sits across from us. The buffoonery begins.

“Hey! I just farted…it smells disgusting. Does my farting change my chances wit you?” The man shouts at my roommate (Kelly K.).

We silently look at each other and stay silent. We’re both too tired for this shit. I dunno about her or you, but crazy people scare the crap outta me. If I think you legitimately belong in a crazy house I will ignore you and stay as far away as possible. Hence why I ignored the fat scary drunk crazy.

“Hey there! You don’t like me I know. I farted again…it smells terrible. I’m just a bum I know. You could never be interested in me. I’m a fat man farting. Why not give it a chance? Oh that’s right…I’m a disgusting lazy man.”

Never the less we got off 1 stop early only to try and dismiss the incident at hand. I felt compelled to add this story because I want all the guys to think twice before trying to holla at a girl. If she comes off stank it might not be because she’s conceited. Just think twice before calling her a bitch. She could be tight because a homeless drunken man tried to bag first. Also, please always keep the farting discreet or at least blame it on your friend.

Stay shady New York!

-Rudy H.