Adventures in Scumland

Adventures in Scumland

When you move to a completely new city that’s so very different from home the expectaions are high. What is this city really about? Did I make the right decision in moving here? Will life be as glamourous there as expected? What makes New York so much more different then any other city? Simply, it’s authentic. You go into a place that literally represents everyone under the sun. It’s beautiful. As a result you encounter unique situations that can only apply to New York. My roommate and I refer to them as New York Moments. Whats a New York moment you ask?  Well here are a few examples:

1.) 1.) Sitting at a table with a friend or alone and a complete stranger decides to sit right next to you.

2.) 2.) Sitting on the subway and a random man with no talent decides to sing and dance for money.

3.)3.) Walking down the street wearing baggy sweats, glasses and a tee and still getting hollered at by everyone and their dad.

4.) 4.) Walking down the street and noticing that everyone and their mom is still awake at 4 in the morning as you walk back from the club.

All situations that are equally uncalled for and awkward, yet ,no one bats an eye when witnessing any of this. That is a New York moment. I’ve decided to create a compilation of my own personal New York moments. All crazy and carry the needed characteristic of being awkward and uncalled for, yet, no one is phased but me…the out-of-stater.  My first story aptly titled Vagina Monologue Queens Style.

Vagina Monologue Queens Style

One day after work my roommate and I decided to go to the CVS near our apartment because I was in desperate need of Ibuprofin. While I was trying to decide which size bottle of advil to get my roommate was browsing the body washes. She comes over and tells me she needs me to come help this womasn because she can’t understand what shes asking. Me being the nice person I am go willingly to help. That’s when the madness began.

“What do you wash your vagina with?” creepy woman.

“Excuse me?”

“What do you wash your vagina with? Soap?”

“Do you need help figuring out which kind of soap to use? I’m confused…”

“I’m just saying you shouldn’t use soap. Use shampoo. You won’t have bumps or sores. It cleans the area well and you save money by using it on your hair and vagina. Trust me I know. I am a massage therapist. I’m 54 and people think I’m 35 all the time. I just wanna let you know that you should use shampoo.”

I slowly began to walk away amidst the confusion as to why my roommate would put me on to this woman.Why did this woman decidede to tell me that? Why did I sit there and listen to her? Why do I have to act like she’s not crazy when she is? Why? Then I rationalize it internally and come to the conclusion that it was just another New York moment.

-S Dot Yes